‘THE TIME HAS COME,’ the Walrus said...
‘THE TIME HAS COME,’ the Walrus said,’ to talk of many things: of shoes and ships – and sealing wax…and whether pigs have wings.’
That nonsense was a line spoken by the Walrus in Alice in Wonderland to some little oysters, lured from their bed to go for a night’s stroll along the beach with the Walrus and his complicit friend, the Carpenter. The poor little oysters realized too late that the objective was not the walk, but death. The little darlings would soon be eaten by the Walrus and Carpenter…each and every one!
Some days, I feel I’m being eaten alive. I get smaller, and the tumor gets bigger! Keep in mind, the space where my liver lives is pretty much filled to capacity under normal conditions. I’m beginning to feel like a full tick on a hound dog’s ear!! But, never mind. Hospice has something for that – fentanyl patches. I get one plastered just under my collar bone every three days. I can’t say these do a lot..yet. Maybe a higher dose? So far, I have no real pain, just discomfort.
With cancer, it’s always something! Now, it’s ‘tumor fever’ (yes – a real thing, also called neoplastic fever). My fever is usually low grade, about 99.5 – 100, and comes about when the tumor gets indigestion and spits out a variety of stuff which readjusts my thermostat. This new thermostatic set point changes things, and WALLA, I get night sweats. Never had them? Well, it’s like waking up in a puddle of your own sweat! So, I have to get up…change the linen and night gown, and try to go back to sleep. These come and go….a damn nuisance!
Have I mentioned that cancer is a lotta work? Not just for the patient, but the caregiver – and I’m both.
I will die soon - maybe in a month – or two. I have no desire to live forever, and I certainly am not interested in being reincarnated. But there is one tiny (4-5cm) jelly fish who can self reproduce – forever! This is done by a process called transdifferentiation. They don’t die of old age or cancer. When they feel their end is nigh, they turn inside out, shrivel into a blob and produce a new medusa…a new self! And they can do this indefinitely! The same animal! Not a copy. The same fucking being! Now…that’s something to contemplate! But too many questions remain. I don’t have the time. And it seems I’ve done a lot. So, I’ll let that possibility slide on by.
The M.A.I.D. Cocktail ingredients arrived today. That’s enough to think about for now. They will kill me. I will keep the locked box in which they arrived on the top shelf of the kitchen cabinet until I’m ready, and hear myself say, ‘THE TIME HAS COME’.
TJ –to be continued…..