WHO AM I?
During the past six months, dealing with the medical community, I have been called Terrisa Mabrey. It gives me a ‘start’ when I hear that name called in the waiting room. Until I was 30 years old, I was known to family and friends by that name. Then a change. When I turned 32 years old, I moved to Dallas, Texas, and had business cards printed up that identified me as TJ Mabrey.
There was a definite change in me that came with the name change…a maturation of body and spirit, along with a clear direction to explore in my art. I became known as TJ. Dallas and I both grew and thrived. For the past 53 years I have been identified as TJ Mabrey, artist/sculptor. I have never questioned that that is who I am.
Today, Feb 12, 2026, as I started on my daily walk – hat pulled down over my ears against the wind (I hate wind), hands shoved into my jacket pockets – moving forward on auto pilot, I suddenly became aware I seemed to be walking on air – unearthed. Gliding down the street, I sensed I was growing small…and smaller, with things around me growing big and bigger!!
Like Alice in Wonderland, I think I must have momentarily stepped thru the looking glass of the cosmos, and, as if by magic, I seemed insignificant in this big world. A passing construction vehicle broke the spell, and I finished my walk as usual.
Sitting at my kitchen table afterward, in a sort of silent meditation, I began to wonder what happened to Terrisa, because I am definitely TJ. Did the atoms (along with some other stuff) that made up the matter that was Terrisa get rearrange to produce TJ? Or, did they get sent to the garbage bin in my brain. Was Terrisa just a figment of my imagination? There are plenty of physicists who believe that.
Later, on the afternoon of the 12th, my doctor called to report on the tests and scans done on my body the day before. The pancreatic cancer had returned and took up residence in my liver….just as we all suspected it would do. I’m good with this outcome. I contacted Hospice and arranged a meeting later next week. I still feel pretty good.
I’ve had 6 months of what I call a good life. No pain, very little discomfort, NO CHEMO! And, I’m very close to finishing two new marble sculptures. Now, for a good death…..whatever that turns out to be. I don’t know. Nor do I know when it will come. In the interim, I’ll continue living dyingly ( as Christopher Hitchens expressed it!). I know who I am. I am TJ Mabrey. But….WHAT am I? That’s a topic for later discussion…